The Queen’s Coldstream Guards

[Lee]

I’ve been watching a TV series on Channel 5 called “The Queen’s Guard - A Year in Service”, which has been following new recruits through their training, as well as the preparations for the HM Birthday Celebrations and the formal processions, which are immaculately choreographed.

In one of the recent episodes (ep.4 I think) one of the recruits asks another one, “what happens if nature calls when you’re on guard duty?” There is a fair bit of laughing and the response is “you just do it!”

I know we’ve had previous discussions about this on here in the past, but it is a fascinating subject, and it’s pretty amazing to hear it “from the horse’s mouth”, as it were. These lads are incredibly fit (athletically) and their ceremonial lives are all pomp and splendour. The amount of detail that goes into preparing their uniforms has to be seen to be believed, it’s literally hours of work on their boots, their tunics, their bearskin hats, and hours of polishing belts and buckles which have to be worn to such precision that a just couple of centimetres out of position is unacceptable.

Do they seriously have to wet themselves in their uniforms if they can’t wait during events that last hours and hours?

I’ve heard it suggested before that that is exactly what happens, but I still find it pretty unbelievable if it’s true. And what is even more amazing is that I have never read about anyone witnessing something like that.

[Fred]

I'm sure that this elite group of guards have trained their bladders to hold to their maximum potential, but as we well know, there is a wide range of limits. Those with weaker urinary systems might be washed out (!) early in their training, leaving only the men who can hold their bladders for many hours even while remaining properly hydrated. I would hope that very few have been forced to relieve themselves in their splendid uniforms!

It would be interesting to be in their barracks as they return from a very long ceremonial duty.

[Wombat48]

Yeah agree with Fred, suspect they are joking and will have trained themselves hard to hold on?
Can imagine some desperate scenes after they leave the parade ground tho!

[Lee]

Yes, I’m sure you’re both right.

But it doesn’t harm wondering if just once, one of them experienced an unexpected and untimely urge that just proved too much to contain, even for a healthy and trained young bladder. If such an occurrence did befall one of the immaculately-dressed guardsmen, I imagine the volume would be, er… significant!!

[Connor]

Here's a good article from the Daily Mail a few years ago which specifically mentions this problem - so it seems that yes indeed, sometimes they do simply wet themselves.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/articl ... -help.html

The section reads as follows:

'Toilet breaks are absolutely forbidden. So if you need to go, well.....the dark Barrathea wool trousers will at least camouflage the off patch of embarrassment. "You can hear lads groaning behind you," said Guardsman Bryce Pounder, 25, of the Scots Guards. Guardsman Shaun Marsden, 25, added: "you might get a few little puddles."

[Lee]

Absolutely brilliant!!

[Sam70]

I loved the conversation by veteran guards! Puddles, trousers that hold lots of urine and don't show the evidence!

The real question is NOT do some guards piss their pants from time to time standing four four hours. Instead the question is how common is it? From the last time a guard can piss to the first time a guard can piss after standing 4 hours could be as much as 5.5 hours or more. Got to get there and got to get back to starting point where toilets await them. That might be 90 minutes.

I suspect that part of the training to be a guard includes each guard proving that he is able to hold it for 6 hours (or even 7 hours) on a regular basis to be approved to be a guard. That applicant that has an 8 oz bladder would be culled immediately!

The average adult bladder holds 16 ounces. Some adults can hold 32 oz. My urologist told me that some people's bladders can hold 50 oz. A 50 oz bladder can hold three times as much urine as a 16 oz bladder.

If the 16 oz bladder is large enough to hold it 3 hours, than a 50 oz bladder would be able to hold it 9 hours! Simple math!

Now that pull up night time diapers are available that are invisible and also hold a lot of urine, I suspect that it is mentioned that guards may want to wear one. Especially if they have serious doubts that they can hold it five hours. (four hours at attention, plus 30 minutes travel to and from where their base for the day with toilets.)

There are people with very large bladders that only piss twice a day. This may be a criteria. Prospective guards (perhaps 1000 or so) might have to piss at 8 am after eating a standard breakfast. Then they could be required to sit until 2 pm in a large hall. Only those who still are wearing dry pants might be considered to be guards.

I suspect that some members of the royal family have worn diapers as they are out there for a long time as well. If a nameless guard pisses his pants while at attention standing there for four hours, many if not all mainstream media will not mention the pissed pants, the name of the guard, or provide a picture for the newspaper.

However, if it were a member of the royal family that had a public accident, there would be lots of coverage! The Queen Mother at age 100, Prince Phillip at age 99 and the Queen now 95 may have all worn a diaper or nappy at some point in time to make sure that he or she did not disgrace him/herself in public The discreet name is "protection."

[Fred]

A guard with a "good" bladder - one that holds one liter is not that unusual - and with cautious hydration should be able to stay dry for 5 or 6 hours without a problem. More if he's sweating a bit.

[Sam70]

A guard with a "good" bladder - one that holds one liter is not that unusual - and with cautious hydration should be able to stay dry for 5 or 6 hours without a problem. More if he's sweating a bit.

The key here is having a one liter bladder capacity. The average adult bladder can hold only 16 ounces which is about half a liter.

Bladders can be stretched over time to become larger. Obviously this is what happens to these guards. I’m sure that there are many drills and lads that have trouble lasting eve four hours are culled. I know that some people’s bladders after stretching can hold as much as 50 oz. That would be close to two liters.

Even so, from the article it appears that there have been accidents. It was mentioned that trousers would hide much of the wetness. I suspect that those trousers were picked for this very reason.

It would be foolish to put guards out there for 5 or more total hours from last pee until the first pee back at the barracks, etc.in trousers that people could see that a lad had pissed his pants as far away as 100 yards or more.

I suspect that the media been warned not to put a lad in uniform who has wet his pants in the news, especially uniformed lads in review as part of a royal event especially if the Queen is present.

I mean here the standard news, not the tabloid news.