Lads Pissing

I made a reference to a 'what happened next' potential regarding another story. But on the topic of what might have happened shortly afterwards, do any of you remember that I posted the following, I think, just a few days before the old site disappeared so we never got the chance to properly speculate about what might have followed this sighting...

I saw something that (for me, anyway) was brilliant yesterday morning.

I was waiting on a platform at an un-manned station (SW trains) and suddenly a police van pulled up in the open car park adjacent to the platform and three uniformed police officers got out - twenties, possibly thirty. They were all transport police. They came and stood right next to where I was standing and only a minute or so later, a train pulled in (not my train) and I thought maybe they were waiting for someone on the train.

But, it turned out they were doing a random ticket check, asking all those who got off to present their tickets. Unsurprisingly, there were a few who didn't have the right tickets - or didn't even have tickets at all - so it took a while to issue notices or tickets, whatever they were doing.

As everyone finally went, just leaving a couple of us still waiting on the platform, one of the officers said, "I'm just going to see if I can find a toilet anywhere" and he walked off in the direction of the ticket office, which was closed. I saw him try the door and then walk around the side of the building. He came back few seconds later and walked round the other side which just led into the car park.

I could see him walking along looking around him and then he saw another door and again pushed it, but it was closed along with everything else.

His two colleagues were standing chatting as he started to walk back towards them. As he approached, one of then said, "Find one?" He shook his head and said "I wonder if there's a supermarket or anything nearby?"

The others didn't answer and one of them said, "We're going to Alton next, they might have some toilets there" and the three of them went over to the police van.

I'm not a local to the area but Alton had to be around 20 minutes by road from where we were. As they drove off, I saw the officer who had needed to go, take his cap off in the rear passenger seat and sweep his hand through his hair and then seemingly mop his brow with the back of his hand. It was a hot day so maybe he was sweating a but ... or maybe ...?

Aren't there some occasions when you wish you could become invisible and sit next to him in that van for the journey? Especially if they had an unexpected call/delay?

I just love the thought of the police van getting to Alton station following a fraught half hour journey in which they hit traffic several times, as the next train is approaching imminently with a whole host of passengers about to disembark and needing to have their tickets checked carefully...

...and the officer in question scrambling out and in a panic asking a random member of the public, "do you know where the nearest toilet is?" - only to be told "there aren't any toilets here".

It's a bit of a "what happened next" scenario, isn't it?

All three of the officers were probably aged somewhere between 24'ish to 30-ish although they were all wearing caps so it is always difficult to tell. I honestly don't know whether the one who needed the toilet was the oldest or youngest of the three or whether there was much difference between them but maybe that makes for an even better story? He wouldn't have been embarrassed to express his desperation in the company of older, more senior officers, nor would he have felt awkward about admitting to junior colleagues that he was bursting to go.

I don't know why he sat in the rear seat in the van - perhaps he felt that he could stretch out a bit more to ease his predicament? Or even have a few discreet, comforting squeezes?

I wonder how everyone would like to imagine things ending up?

Yes, I remember you posting this on the old board, Lee. It was so frustrating for us all when it disappeared. Great idea to revive it here now. Let's all put some ideas down if we have them.

Well, that half hour journey to Alton may have seen that officer get absolutely desperate towards the end of the journey. He may not have been able to sit still. Did he, perhaps, 5 minutes before they would arrive, blurt out suddenly to his colleagues that he would need to run off and find a toilet immediately on arrival and would not be able to do anything else first.

At that point ... an emergency call? Someone has theatened railway staff at a different station. Urgent backup is required...

Brian wrote:At that point ... an emergency call? Someone has theatened railway staff at a different station. Urgent backup is required...

Oh My Goodness!!

I'm wondering if, following on from Brian's suggestion, the unfortunate officer clambers out the van when it stops somewhere, in very obvious and visible distress and a kindly woman sees and realises his predicament. She offers the now near-frantic officer the use of the toilet in her nearby flat.

I sense her walking quite slowly, fumbling to locate her keys and then directing him into a lift! All the while he's doing everything in his power to maintain his professionalism whilst having to 'go' worse than at any other time he can ever recall. The lift in the flats is old and slow-moving, even grinding to a halt for a couple of minutes with the unconcerned elderly lady saying it's always doing so but not to worry as it generally re-starts okay!!

By the time they reach the door of her flat, the officer can't stand still and is hopping from foot to foot as she doesn't seem to notice, taking ages to get her keys from her bag and then struggling with lock on the door.

Meanwhile, the PC is standing behind her and his worst-ever nightmare has started to become a reality...in his uniform!!

Maybe the old lady has a dog which she's left inside her flat and which jumps up and greets the two of them when she gets the door open. The dog will detect the officer's premature spurts in his pants and will jump up at him and sniff him there, causing more delay while the lady scolds the dog ineffectually.

Excellent!

Maybe she's got her washing drying in the bathroom and she has to remove the clothes hanger first? And all the while the officer is realising he should have tried to discreetly hide behind a wall or tree rather than experience this torture.

And he can't ruin the old lady's carpet, can he?

There are quite a few occasions I have seen police officers use the toilet facilities at Garages (petrol/gas stations) where normally there aren't available for the members of the public/customers.

I've seen quite a few striding purposefully into the ones at fast food places and have had a few that have pushed past others in the gents to reach the urinals or stalls only to be heard releasing a great torrent, often with a soft moan of relief.

Or more than one male police officer, I've seen one of their vans pull up and about 5 of them have hurried in, almost as if there is a riot happening but they have only gone to the toilets to release their aching precious burdens in explosions of liquid and emotion.

Then there are the times when no doubt the MOP (member of the public) have just been caught urinating in the street when really all the copper wants to do is join him than write him up for it, no doubt struggling to keep still themselves!

...and as I've said before, I image the dry cleaners will be the only ones to ever know if one of them didn't make it time!!!

I started to write something, then ground to a bit of a halt as it got a bit complicated! I'll have a re-think later.

Fast-forwarding to the ending, does the unfortunate police officer,

a) manage to eventually get into the old lady's bathroom and avoid a major catastrophe?

b) slightly soil the old lady's carpet either in the bathroom or in the hallway?

c) do it all over the carpet in her flat?

d) find himself standing in a massive puddle outside the front door before he even gets inside?

e) give up waiting and try to go back outside by getting into the life again? Does he make it or wet the lift floor?

Advice needed!